Thoughts, Dreams and Feelings

Midmorning Gloom

Here we sit in our new lives here, as I try to cope with these inner fears

As I look out my door of this lonely room, trying to escape this midmorning gloom.

To close a door on my past I must, just blow it from my palm, as if it were dust

Every grain a moment in time I've shared, as I look through the cloud of smoke I've bared.

For when it clears, it must slowly settle, to the ground I once loved, the soil some peddle.

To begin a new cycle of life and love, in this hustle bustle town of push and shove.

What lies ahead in false pretences, a lot of bullshit, prolonging sentences!

I think of times I thought were true, I kick myself for being such a fool, as I cry.

I wipe my tears, and take a deep breath, I smile

I think to myself, some recover, some survive

But why do they have to play with our lives????

EMH 5-22-90 2:06 A.M

( written on back of Park Inn Stationary in Niles, Ohio)

Twas Christmas Eve Eve( To Scotty-n-Cindy 1993)

T'was Christmas Eve eve late in the night, bored with no dope, dazed in the T.V light.

Remembering past sessions of jamming and fun. Thinking of age, cellulite, is ANY guy really well hung? Then all of a sudden these bells rang aloud, it startled me outta my afgan shroud! After stepping upon my half asleep pet, the phone I answered out of breath!

Then who to my surprize do I hear? My dear friend Cindy Lu who I hadn't seen in a year! After we chatted and laughed and smiled, we thought we would get together and party awhile. So off in the night a journey began. A drive to Tempe, to hell with no tags!! If Santa could fly with 8 bucks a leadin' hell I had 4 wheels that didn't need feedin'. So, with a full tank of gas, as I froze off my ass, I bravely challenged them all.... Not in Apache Junction, nor in Mesa did I SEE Johnny Law!!

Finally arriving to reminiss, over memories shared and the times we missed. As time with friends joyfully passed, we sat and talked and got kinda gassed! The night had turned into another day and sadly I announced I had to be on my way. With a smile, a long with some hugs , my journey back to A.J.

With luck on my side, as I drove it alone, I thought of my friends and their beautiful home. As the radio played loudly, shitty stereo in my ears, I thought how lucky to have known them all of these years. As I unlocked my front sliding door, bypassing the dog poop lovingly left on the floor! Not mad was I, just really impressed, to see great friends who've truly been blessed, with peace, love and happiness!

EMH 12-23-93

( actually written 12-24-93 after I got back from Scotty and Cindy's new place)

If You Could Only See

If you could only see inside a scary confused state of mind

Would you really understand, do you really have what it takes, think you can?

For so long my love for you has shown deep respect, something for you that is unknown!

It tears my heart in two to think how many times I've been lied to.

For once I was a hateful soul, I lived my life to just smoke a bowl

But now I've got a second chance and you don't deserve to get into my pants!

The trust is gone that I tried to give, you push me down when I try to live.

But NOMORE can you call me pig, you will be alone now, can you dig??

I am one of God's children and free as a dove

I deserve respect, peace, happiness and to be truely loved; Not to be mocked, laughed at pushed or shoved!

It hurts me to just walk away, but blame yourself with the lies that you say

I tried and tried each passing day but again the hurt surfaces and won't go away.

All I tried to do is love you and accept you for who you are, but you ripped me apart, now i'm scarred.

I can forgive, its the Christian thing to do, but until you wise up who will love you and do for you the things I've done and all the time you've appreciated none!

You and I had a chance to live a life of sweet romance!

Jeanie I am NOT and you have got to stop thinking in the past and do it fast..... there is a huge difference between love and a piece of ASS!!

EMH 8-94

( this was written to Jim Monson, when I got out of rehab, and left him and an abusive relationship for good)

A Story About Danny Willard 3/28/65-9/14-94 ( 1 year anniversary of his death)

This is the short story of a tall man, who's journey to Arizona on Christmas day 1993 turned into the best gift he could've ever given to those of us who knew him well.

Although it would be months before I would have the pleasure of his aqquaintance, time with him stood still. His aura was so full of peace and contentment, that I was drawn to him as a magnet to metal. to just sit and watch T.V was considered a fun evening at home this wonderful human being! To this day, it amazes me to think how well I got to know him in only a short time.

I think back one year ago, as I was at work looking forward to seeing his smile brighten up the place as he and friends Chris and Slim would be returning from their overnight adventure at the Salt River. When instead, his friends would arrive and shock us with the disturbing news that while they were all there, Dan had fallen into the rapid undertow and drown.

It seems like only yesterday, that one of the nicest friends I ever had, and probably every will have, made every day worth facing. I know deep down that apart of my soul died when he did.

Now time just goes by, and not a day goes by that I don't think about him at least once and try not to cry. I don't go to the river anymore for amusement but instead to make sure the sign near the awful site warns others of the danger. I know if someone would've warned him of the undertow, he probably would still be with us today. I just know in my heart, he would want others to know, too.

At the cemetary, the grass is all grown over his grave, and his headstone reads" Beloved son and brother" and in my heart it is engraved in stone forever beloved friend that will never be forgotten.

As I leave him roses kissed with my tears, I think to myself it takes time to grieve and in time I am sure the pain will ease, but the memories will never fade!! Danny, your sadly missed still!

(written on Danny's 1 year anniversary of his death in Kc, Mo.)

Personal Note: As I add this to this site, the tears still come, it amazes me that this year..2004, in a few months Danny will be gone 10 years! Amazing!! R.I.P Dear friend!! I still miss you!!

Friends and Dreams ( A poem to Cindy Lu)

I've got this friend I've known a long time, She is always so very kind.

Not long ago, she changed inside, she forgot how to be happy, became trapped inside her mind.

And she cried, felt like a part of her died.

Oh Cindy, can't you see? It is time to come back to reality?

Put down the pictures, push away all the pain before you forget all you've gained.

Your true friends are real and dreams come and go reality is something you can afford to know!

Depressions and delusions inside your scared mind

will push away friends and dreams of all kinds!

So, take those meds, and smile always

Do not forget these things I say.

Friends and dreams chase away angry screams

All the things that make you blue

You will see, this song is to you from me

I love ya, Cindy Lu!

EMH 1995

Guitar D-E-C-E-C-D

Just Thoughts: Danny

As the early light of dawn arrives, I sit alone and watch the darkness fade,

as it turns the pages of yesterday into yet another chapter which has become today.

I sip my coffee slowly, pondering my thoughts as I light up another smoke, turn on the radio and smile as I listen to the D.J's jokes.

An exhale, a sigh, I think out loud,"How lucky I am to be alive!" then, the very next instant, I think of friends who've died.

I pick up my pencil with so much to say, but with my manic mind, my thoughts seem to race away. So, I take a deep breath, as I light up

another smoke, and now all I can think about is my friend Dan's death. He would've has a birthday today but unfortunately, 2 1/2 years ago he passed away.I miss him still the hurt never really goes away. So, I will bring him some flowers, kissed with my tears, just like I've done so many times before. Light a candle, sit and chat awhile or silently mourn. It's so hard to walk away, even still today. I still feel his warmth on my shoulders as I walk away and I have to smile through my tears. I can feel his presence around me and how it feels so sincere.

As I drive back to my life it reminds me that this is just another chapter that will be done, even though I fight not to be sad, I think back to times of fun.

Then a new chapter will have begun.

EMH 3-28-96

Kevin

As I sit here in a blissful daze

I smile because I love you

In so many different ways:

K- for always keeping me warm, as we snuggle close together in your lil meat arms.

E- is for every time you look into my eyes.

V- is for very sexy with no disguise.

I- is for how incomplete I feel when I am without you there next to me.

N- is for how I will never stop loving you, my meaty “Higg-I” bear.

EMH

5-21-96

This poem is dedicated to Kevin

For all the good times, and bad. I will love you forever and always in a special place in my heart!

Randall's Final Tune ( Written for Randall Fischer)

Just heard a bell ring, another angel gets their wings

Isn't that way it's supposed to be? Can you still remember me?

Just seen a memory, in the corner of my mind of the years shared recently and those back in time. The joy and laughter when everything was fine.

Now as I feel the gentle wind blow, healing my wounded spirit as it goes, I remember our fun as it reaches out and touches my soul.

Without you here its sad and I feel all alone, you were a brother to me, a friend, one of the best I'd ever known.

And the desert air gets hotter with each passing summer's day I wonder if your there at times or if you've found your way. Hey little lost angel dancing among the stars, I hope you've found contentment, wherever you are! I feel inside you've gone to that place far, far away. Now you sit proudly inside Heaven's gate. I sure hope I see you again, until then please wait.

** Randy, now that you've gone and passed through... my gift to you is this, my friend, a little farewell tune. It is my own personal way of saying to you my friend... I will see you again someday, on that darkside of the moon!

EMH 10-96

Written to Randall Fischer who died at the tender age of 25 of AIDeS, miss ya man!!

Just Me and My Guitar( Back Home Again)

Here I am, back home again came for love, a broken heart to mend

To be happy and free, but blind obviously

Romance doesn't seem to happen to me!

So on I go, stayin' alive

Should I stay for the fight, or should I take a dive?

Understand it could end up real, but by then will I have the heart to feel?

(chorus) I can't explain, I'm not the one to blame

Just followed my heart and soul

Please don't panic, it will only make me manic, will your love take and pay it's toll? ( oooo oooooo)

2nd Verse: The years have come and gone like memories in my mind

if you can't get close to me, I'll have to travel on.

I've given you chances that I've never given before.

When I ring your bell, you just slam shut the door ( guitar slam)

When your games are done will I leave another scar? can't say I tried but was it all a lie? (Chorus)

--- and when I'm gone, you'll miss the meaning of this song.... but I'll go far, just me and my guitar Chorus

EMH 11-96

(guitar B-A-Em) This one goes out to Steve Machingo