Thoughts, Dreams and Feelings

Sleepless in Seattle

With a double-bolted door, held secure with a chair

Tonight a shakey hand, brushes my long hair.

As tears once again over flow to cleanse my heartbroken soul

Another hope of "how it could be" turns into yet another poetic entry

Another chapter in my life's journal comes to light

As I take a deep breath, to find myself, sleepless in Seattle tonight.

It amazes me as I lie here awake, how an innocent trip for two days became a huge mistake!

But a risk on my search of true love I had to take.

I guess I feel way down deep inside, what is left of the self-esteem I had left, that little bit of pride

Has taken a direct hit!

I'll be okay, I always seem to be

But I think this time, will be a longer recovery... yeah, just a little bit!

I thought that the true meaning of the word "friend"

Was someone who excepted you from end to end?

I find myself feeling worthless and down, that grin I had 2 days ago, now a frown.

Made to feel,"not worthy" at all, but I know better!!

Because I always give my all, only in the end, I am the one who falls... flat on my face

As again in this case!

As the night tonight will slowly pass, I pray for safety as the rain bounces off this filthy glass

Heater loudly hums, blank stares from the homeless bums

T.V on, to calm my fears, shakey hands brush away my tears.

Morning please come soon, guide me home safe, tomorrow afternoon

I will tell everyone it all went fine, flash a big smile

T'was a little sleepless in Seattle

But only for a short while.

EMH 3-10-2002 8:32 P.M PST

(To Terry)

AGAIN.............

HERE I SIT ONCE AGAIN

POURING OUT MY SOUL TO AN EMPTY PAGE,

ONCE AGAIN MY EMOTIONS, I TRY TO DISENGAGE

TIRED OF SEARCHING FOR MR RIGHT,

WITH A HAND TO MY BROW, NOTHING IN SIGHT

SO MANY TIMES I'VE TOLD MYSELF NO

SO MANY TIMES I'VE LET MYSELF GO

HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN

SORTING THRU FEELINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET MYSELF FEEL

MISLEADING MYSELF INTO THINKING THIS TIME IT WAS REAL

A FRIEND THEY SAY, AGAIN, TOTAL DISMAY

HOW CAN A FRIEND JUST TREAT SOMEONE THIS WAY?

I FELL IN LOVE, SORRY TO SAY

FOR I AM A WOMAN, THAT LIVES AND BREATHES AND FEELS WITH HER HEART

AND ONCE AGAIN, I AM LEFT TO FEEL TORN APART!!

AGAIN, I ASK MYSELF WHAT DO I NEED?

AS I FEEL LIKE I'VE OPENED A VEIN, TO JUST LET THEM FEED

AGAIN, I GAVE MY ALL

AGAIN, I'M THE ONE TO FALL

FLAT ON MY FACE!!

I FEEL INSIDE LIKE I'VE BEEN DISGRACED

NO RESPECT IS EVER SHOWN

IN THEIR EYES, I DONT THINK IT IS SOMETHING THEY'VE NEVER KNOWN!

WHEN ITS TIME TO MAKE LOVE, ITS JUST A F*CK YOU SEE

AS LONG AS THEY GET WHAT THEY NEED

NO TENDERNESS,NO ECTASY

AS LONG AS THEY ARE SATISFIED, IS HE EVEN "DOING" ME???

OR JUST GIVING LIFE TO A PORN FANTASY??

IM LEFT FEELING, INCOMPLETE

NO KISSES FOR ME

NOTHING TO SHOW

THAT THIS IS SOMETHING SHARED 2 WAYS,

IS IT??....HELL NO!!

WALKING THRU PLACES THAT WE GO

2 STEPS BACK, THEY WALK, EMBARRASSED?? PROBABLY SO!

I REMEMBER WHEN IT USED TO BE FUN,

HOW TICKLED INSIDE I WAS WHEN HE WOULD HOLD MY HAND,

WHEN HE USED TO TOUCH ME BEFORE HE BEGAN

NOW ITS BEND OVER, THEN ITS DONE!

AS I SIGH,WIPE THE TEARS AGAIN, FROM MY EYES

THIS ISNT WRITTEN TO HINDER OR HURT

ITS JUST NOT IN ME TO FULFILL EVERY " FLIRT"

I WON'T JUST GO OUT TO F*CK SOMEONE

I JUST CAN'T DO IT

WHEN I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE!

I KNOW I KNOW, WHAT HE SAID

"EVEIE, I' LOVE YOU, NOT "IN"LOVE WITH YOU, IT STILL RINGS THRU MY HEAD

MY HEART AT THAT MOMENT?..OF COURSE SHATTERED..AGAIN!!

SO WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE??

I GUESS I HAVE TO LET GO, DOES HE EVEN CARE OR EVEN KNOW?????

OH HOW I WISH I COULD TURN MYSELF INSIDE OUT SO IT CAN JUST SHOW!!

SO WHAT DO I DO??

LET HIM HAVE HAVE HIS CAKE,AND EAT IT TOO?

HAVE ME AROUND UNTIL A BETTER OPTION APPEARS?

AGAIN, I STOP TO WIPE AWAY MY TEARS

HA, I SAY, THEN MEN WONDER WHERE WOMEN GET THEIR FEARS<CHUCKLE CHUCKLE>

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN

WHY CAN'T HE SEE?

WHY CANT HE ACCEPT ME FOR ME?

IT HURTS ME INSIDE

MY FEELINGS ANYMORE, I CANNOT HIDE

WHEN HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS NEWEST "OPTIONS"

APART OF ME INSIDE WITHERS AND DIES

KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH HIS WORDS, I THINK SOMEONE ONCE WROTE

HOW PERFECT ,THIS FAMOUS QUOTE!

I'M DONE TRYING, WHAT MORE CAN I SAY

I JUST CAN'T MAKE HIM FEEL ANY OTHER WAY!!

IM REAL, I FEEL,

I WANT TO BE RESPECTED,

NOT CONSTANTLY DISECTED

I WANT TO BE HELD, KISSED,AND TOUCHED

NOT JUST BENT OVER AND QUICKLY F*CKED!

I WANT TO FEEL ALL I GIVE, IN RETURN.......

I WANT TO SHARE PASSION, ENJOY THE GLOW OF ITS BURN..........

**SIGH**

AGAIN ANOTHER LESSON IS LEARNED!!

7/14/02 11.46A.M. ( To B.J)

Copyright ©2002 Eveie

JW

Here I sit, once again up late

Pondering some thoughts, thinking of fate

Recently got to know, a friend a little better

Someone who reminds me of me……..

Wonder if he will ever see this letter.

So tattered and torn,

Scared and unsure,

This man melted my heart

His words, so pure

He told me of past love

That left him cold

As he blamed himself

A past life lived to bold.

I enjoyed him so, the way he spoke

As I touched his face, I knew this was no joke

His kiss so warm, gentle and sweet

I have to say,

He swept me off my feet.

Not too fast, I know how that sounds

Don’t think either of us is ready

To go another round

For I am still healing, my wounded heart

Terrified, as is he, of being broken apart.

The night slowly passed, I thought of him the next day

Impressed with this man, and all he had to say.

He called me again, the joy I felt

YAY, he came over and made me melt!

The evening was awesome, as he caressed me so

Finally, I gave in, I just couldn’t say no

Although scared of being hurt, it just felt so right

If only for that moment, if only for that night.

I hope he still respects me, as I do him

I smile as I write this, as my candle goes dim

Hope he sleeps well, a sweet man he seems

Hope to see him again

As I close my eyes and dream.

9/27/03 12:09 A.M

Copyright ©2003 Eveie

My Poem to Matt.. (a.k.a hairy_bear32)

Sitting at my pc, another night comes to and end

Still no essay, still no thesis

My fragile heart broken in so many pieces

How will it ever mend?

How do I smile, knowing you never will?

How do I feel warm, when all I feel is chill?

How do I close my eyes, and not replay

All the events, that took place that day?

How do I tell you, I felt it too?

How do I know for sure?

The words you said to me, were true?

How do I know you’re at peace how can I rest?

How do I stop the tears and this pain in my chest?

Why didn’t you tell me what needed to be known?

Why didn’t you just call ME, when you returned back home?

Why did you hold me, like you didn’t want to let go?

We knew what we felt, it was obvious we glowed!

Why did we go there, why didn’t I know?

Why didn’t I just stay home that night, why didn’t I say NO!!

What do I do, now I can’t hold you?

What happened inside you that day, I wish I knew!

What could I have done, you didn’t seem to be blue?

What did she say after I left? Was any if it true?

The look on your face, when you saw my pain

You knew my life story, my agony, yours the same?

Everything shared, those kisses, your touch?

How do I go on, when I already miss you so much!!

Why did you do it, why all the lies?

You knew you could tell me anything

We saw it in EACH OTHERS eyes!

You were the words to life’s sweet song

Time can’t be rewound, I’m still here

And now you’re gone!

The way we fit in each others arms

We didn’t hold back, never heard any alarms

Cuddled, snuggled, curled up like a spoon

Showered, dressed, our breakfast at noon.

Your stories, from your heart, you bared your soul

Your dreams, your hopes, we even shared goals?

I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m confused

I love you; I hate you, devastated, used?

I can’t stop the tears, the sting each day

No note to me, No words, nothing to say?

How do I get over this, and walk away?

How will I ever trust anyone the same one day?

Now only in dreams you kiss my face,

I feel so ashamed; I’m a mess, a disgrace!

I Wake up hysterical, reaching for you, nothing is there

Only your cologne’s smell, its taste!

How dare you, How could you take your life away?

I’ve prayed, I’ve wished, for you to come my way?

Is this some cruel joke? Will I ever be the same?

I don’t know the rules, to this sick twisted game!

Alone I sit, in front of my pc,

Staring at your picture, can you see me?

My books they are open, and try as I might,

I pick up my pencil, and then I decide to type!

Midterms, Essays, so much to do

But all I can think about

Is YOU!

EMH 10-21- 03 6:36 AM

( NOTE: This was a VERY tough poem for me to add here, very rough time for me...Matt's suicide changed me in so many ways....For more info on Matthew, see my other website at http://www.geocities.com/montanalady35 under site map, Matt's memorial webpage.)

To Ronnie

As I lay me down to rest

I think of you, your smile, how YOU’RE THE BEST!!

When our hands met when we said hello

I think of your gentleness, your eyes that sparkled and glowed.

The excitement of our date, we both felt in our hearts

A beginning, something beautiful, this is how it starts!

The softness of your kisses, those curl my toes

When you look at me so loving, it melts my soul!

I promise to be your friend, and to take this slow

To never be deceiving, dishonest, or low!!!

To wherever this path leads us, may it be hand in hand, toe to toe

Whatever you don’t know, may I help show you how to understand,

May we walk in peace with harmony and love

Share our worlds, our minds, our souls.

The lilacs, so fragrant remind me too,

I smile, thinking Awwww, you thought of me true.

The rose, so beautiful, as everything about you is to me

May it open full bloom, as our journey does ….too!

5-02-04 11:04 A.M.

(Written for Ron.... A short but wonderful love affair!)

I add this, one of my favorite quotes:

Love is indescribable and unconditional. I could tell you a thousand things that it is not, but not one that it is. Either you have it or you haven’t; there’s no proof of it. - Duke Ellington"

Stepping Stone

I don’t know why, people have to lie

Cruel and cunning, with no regrets

No clarification as to why they are alleged!

Misinform, manipulate, plead your case

Point your fingers, cast your blame

Chat what you will, proclaim what you may

Sabotage is your middle name.

Light of truth, shine forcefully

Throughout this darkness, on legitimacy

Let your light excel, astounding for all to see

Illuminating those chock-full of hatred and deceit

Liberate closed-minds, though no easy task

Expose all those wearing deception masks!

Integrity is the only key

It unlocks my soul, makes my heart beat

That is what is inside ME!

Nothing bogus, fake or insecure

You won’t find anything two-faced here!

My head is held high as I walk my quest

A peaceful journey, is all I request

In the end there shall be redemption

It is up to you to be real or imitation.

EMH 6/20/04 4:41 P.M.